Note: This series of blogs will be my truth and personal history. I am the type of person who writes to vent. I am sharing to purge my past and leave it behind. A handful of people have given me permission to use their names, others I have changed in order to protect their privacy. Also because I didn’t want to ask in order to protect my sanity.
Celibacy, Lisa, and The Lioness: The Battle I Believe I’m Losing
I bought myself a promise ring. It’s on my left hand ring finger. Remember that as I continue.
Lisa, that is what we will call her. The woman that has changed my life forever. Lisa is by far the most confusing person. I had a crush on Lisa since the first day we met. I was nineteen and naive; I was still naive 3 years later. In my inexperienced mind, nothing would happen between us. I could list all the reasons why but let’s stick with the less identifying points. Lisa is fifteen years older than I am. That fact alone should be enough. I would say I couldn’t help myself, but the truth is I had nothing to do with this. Lisa is Puerto Rican, if that doesn’t mean anything to you then you have met a Puerto Rican. They get what they want. It’s something about this Black woman who speaks Spanish. Lisa was - You know what, I’ll get into that later.
It was sometime late May when she started to text me frequently. It was at that time when she coined her phrase for greeting me, “Hey Beautiful.” I don’t want to seem that easy, but it was that easy. When you’re a masculine presenting womyn, who is also feminine, it’s nice when people notice both sides. I was a sucker for her because she did just that in many ways. She enjoyed my button down shirts and loafers, but saw the womyn in me. Let me tell you her flirt game was strong. She wasn’t embarrassed, at first. She said multiple times that my little ass was going to get the business, if I didn’t stop. Let me tell you the only thing I did was flirt back. I didn’t believe her. I thought we were just have some good friendly fun.
I jumped at the chance to hang out with her. I guess I arrived early because she wasn’t finished cooking nor was she ready. I waited patiently as she took a shower. She got out the shower with her curly hair in a ponytail, short shorts, and t-shirt. I watched her float around the kitchen as she finished preparing our meal. Once she was finished she called me over to the table. She approached me and as she sat my plate on the table she descended upon my neck. Wait! She didn’t kiss me. Inches away from my skin she held her lips so close her breath tickled me. My body was frozen.
I should have known she was plotting. There were so many signs. She was praying on me; the invitation to dinner we never had in three years of knowing each other, the short shorts, then the ultimate sign - she invited me into her bedroom. Why? I should have gone home at this point. Again, I thought nothing of it when she told me her television in her living room was broken so we had to watch the movie in her bedroom. Just know, it didn’t take long for this movie to turn into another form of entertainment.
I lie here on her bed with her in between my legs wanting to prove myself. She is in control, something I rarely allow but I’m here now. I’m hers in this moment. I thought I was strong, but her breath on my neck as she whispered how beautiful I am and how much she wants me turns my strength quickly into mush. I never wanted to compare my present lovers to my past, but I never had what she was giving. She was dominating my dominance. I feel secure to receive the pleasure that I am usually the one giving. Her hand slipped up my shirt and then I glanced at my hand. My finger sparkles and I remember the promise I made. I close my eyes to experience her sensually. Quickly pain runs like lightning to my left ring finger. I try to ignore it but I cannot forget it’s there. I open my eyes to realization of disappointment in myself. How can I forget my promise?
As I try to release myself from her hold she pulls me in tighter. We fight each other with pushes and pulls. I’ve underestimated her strength but it’s her will holding me down. She whispers 'Stay' in my ear, touching me softer and kissing me sweeter. She toys with my weaknesses. Her arms are warm but I don’t want to stay. She begs me not to leave with each kiss. As our lips part for the last time, I began to miss her. My body, my emotions, my mind missed her. I hated it.
My desire for her was nothing new. I knew the feeling well. I created it years before. I was lost searching for someone in a crowd and she picked me out of the chaos; she rescued me. She was heavenly. Like an angel she reached out and pulled me out of a fog onto godly clouds. She led me to the gates where I found what I was looking for. Through the years I’ve held onto that memory. I have fantasized about this moment. To be able to cherish her body in a way only I can. Turns out she had the same desire. It’s just one thing stopping me - I’m celibate.
Less than a month into my journey of celibacy and I was being tested. I was losing.
To be continued...