It’s great to see you moved on. Unfortunately, it’s been hard for me. I don't want you to think it's hard because I wish were together, it's a different feeling I'm having. It’s nostalgic. I am fine with how our relationship has developed or not developed. If anything I wish we were better friends. I like to think we are but truth is we are just social media friends. We check on each other every now and then but the conversation dies after “how’s the family?”. It blows my mind how someone I was so intimate with is now a stranger. Reality is I don’t know you any more. It’s been years since we sat in the same room together. Years since we’ve spoken on the phone. Your voice is foreign to me. That’s not true; I have Snapchat, I know what you sound like it’s just different when you were talking to me. I don’t know you but sometimes I miss you. I’m not even sure at times if it’s you I miss or if I miss loving you. The act of loving you.
You were special to me. You still mean the world to me. It’s just that world ended over six years ago. Although, I still carry you around with me like a keychain. A piece of you I keep as a keepsake to remind me, I’ve been there. I am sure you have loved someone else and loved them more than me but I haven’t. At times I try but no one has done what you’ve done for me. No one has loved me like you. I don’t think I honestly want to go down that path again but as I lie here with another women in my bed I roll over wishing it was your face. Not your face in the aspect that it needs to be you, but your presence and your energy. I’m in need of what you gave. It would be easier to love you again. As hard as it was to stay “together”, I’d rather be with you. To be with someone who knew me - knows me. Like I said, it’s been years but I’m not different. I’m still silly, I laugh when I shouldn’t. I often speak without thinking and what I mean isn’t what comes out. I still look at other woman. I have changed not in too many ways but I like to count my efforts to be a better human. I’m patient. I listen. I’m more apologetic. I’m more aware. I try. I still make romantic gestures, in fact I think I’ve gotten better at it. Only problem is I wish I treated you better. Treated you like I’ve treated women who don’t deserve half of what I should have done for you.
I don’t blame myself for why we aren’t together. I don’t even blame you. I call it circumstances. I like to think that’s true. We weren’t ever going to be together long considering what we had to fight through. We cried so much, when I need to cry now and can’t because I think I used them all. I imagine if our relationship was built without fear, completely open and out, and supported by friends and family, we would have been successful. We could have been stronger but we were young and being commit to you was new for me and new to you.
I didn’t realize it when it was happening but you were the best person who happen to me. Loving you taught me so much about myself. I’m really just now learning.
I lost six year after you. I’m still losing time; waiting to meet someone I already know. Keeping women at a distance to not feel what I felt when I was with you but never stopping to realize through the pain of circumstances, I loved you and that part was good. We weren’t perfect but I didn’t need perfect. You taught me enough about myself to allow freedom in my heart. I am open and free and out and happy because I loved you and lost you.
This letter isn’t a desire to be you, I know it seems that way but this is an apology and a thank you.
Love, Erma BreAnn