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  • Erma BreAnn

I have mixed feelings regarding pregnancy in my life. On one hand I pride myself on my sexual orientation and the fact that I cannot "accidentally" get pregnant. On the other I would absolutely love my wife and I making a baby out of love with our own DNA. Just so happens this life doesn't work that way. Maybe next time. Since it doesn't, I do believe I live my life a little more free than others but not as free as some. Which has nothing to do with my sexual orientation, promiscuity is not exclusive to the queer community as stereotypes based on the homophobic agenda may have you believing. Although I have been selective with my sexual partners, I realized recently my selection sucks. I have had amazing sex with the wrong people. Due to a hypothetical question a friend of mine asked me, I learned I could do better.

If you could have gotten pregnant by one of the last two people you were with, would you keep it?"

Now, I know what some of you are thinking. "It's your body, do you?" Others "Abortion is wrong." Yea Yea, I am not here to debate pro-life or pro-choice. It's hypothetical. So unfortunately for you pro-lifers, I wouldn't keep it. Surprise! I'm sure you thought I was going to wait until the end to answer. Nope. This is a story of why. I wouldn't keep it.

If I could had gotten pregnant by one of the last two women I dealt with I would cry for days. These tears would fill tanks for whales to swim and thrive, dried rivers would run like the Mississippi, small lakes would become great all due to my unhappiness and disappointed. My mother would be ashamed, for many reasons than I have gotten pregnant before marriage. I would be depressed - hence all the crying - for the connection a person who never needed to be in my life romantically or otherwise.

I understand children are blessing, I should be excited. I wouldn't be. I can imagine being happy I'm pregnant. That's the perfect world I live in inside my head. I don't want to be confused on what I should do. When my friend asked this ridiculous but important question, I literally started panicking as if it were true and I just found out I was too far along to anything about it.

Just follow me. Let's add another hypothetical. I have to keep it. I morally have to tell them. I wouldn't want to but it's the right thing to do. I probably wouldn't to give myself nine months of peace until the baby comes out with skin 100 shades lighter than me and a head full of loose curly hair looking biracial and nothing like me. That actually fits for both of them, apparently I have a type. I would over think their reactions. I'm sure they would be happy. Their happiness would make me sick. I would cry more because their excited and want to be involved. I'm getting sick thinking about their overjoyed expressions. Gross. My feeling of indifference when they suggest we be together. I'm dying inside.

Alright, my blood pressure has sprung just thinking about it. I'm in pieces just from one hypothetical question. So back to the original question where abortion is still an option. "I don't want to keep it." This would be a hard decision but truth is I couldn't do it. Knowing what I know about the two of them or the lack information. My poor child's other parent will be a woman who either (a). doesn't communicate, is emotional disconnected, along with other concerns I will not speak of due to respect or (b). also doesn't communicate, manipulative, over involves my child in adult matters, and ironically has homophobic tendencies. It would be like flipping a trick coin where both sides have Hitler on it. Absolutely not! I don't know what's worse disliking someone's parenting skills or the lack of parenting skills. To prevent listing all the reasons, I wouldn't keep a child by either of them, there are plenty, let's say we wouldn't agree on how the raising of this child would go. That is enough to not want a kid with someone. That is enough to not be with someone. If we don't agree on the important things that effect this child we shouldn't be having one nor investing in a relationship. Imagine giving birth to child who will forever have me tied to a woman I want nothing to do with all because I couldn't keep my hands to myself.

I say all of that to say somewhere in my life, my standards went down. I lost it somewhere in failed relationships. I started giving myself to women who are either unavailable emotionally or just clearly unavailable.

Today marks the day I take it back. My choice to choose who is worthy of my body. Well at least asking myself this hypothetical question will help: if I could get pregnant by you, would I keep it?

For you heterosexuals, I suggest you actually ask yourself this question. I mean being that you could in fact get pregnant.

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